Life is NOT about happiness
I believe that life is about experiencing moments of astonishment. These are the lightbulb moments in life that make us say “aha”.
Moments of astonishment are life-altering. Like an infant learning to talk or a toddler learning to run, these magical transformations mark a permanent separation from the way life used to be. As a result of going through them, we discover a world full of new roles to play.
I believe we arrive at moments of astonishment by reflecting on a collection of noteworthy moments. These are the open-ended, attention-grabbing puzzle pieces in life that make us say, “huh”. Noteworthy moments are those that catch our attention because they resonate with our values, but lack a meaningful consequence that ties them all together.
As we move through life between our conditions and our circumstances, we keep looking for significant consequences that contain an “aha moment” that completes the puzzle of self-actualization. In this post, I want to share how I understand this process, common mistakes I see we make, and advocate for the importance of community.
This is the process of Becoming:
Before I go through this entire process, I want to draw your attention to the words associated with the arrows. The elementary version of this graphic can be spelled out as: Time under tension leads to growth. If you are looking for method to finding meaning in life, or a process of growth, that doesn’t require tension, I will save you some time by saying you likely won’t get anything out of reading any further. However, if you are open to investigating a more nuanced version of that equation, let’s begin!
Becoming
As we experience our freedom through our talents — our interests, skills and hobbies — we come across something that makes us pause. Typically, it’s knowledge of a way to get a greater return on how we express our values. Huh — something in the relationship’s “not working”; results don’t align with hard work or privileges earned; somewhere else has promised greener pastures. This awareness creates tension and motivates us to find a solution.
Next, we enter a process within the process that can be summarized as trial and error that I like to refer to as discernment. First, we make sense of tension by organizing how we feel about this new information and set goals for how we want to address it. Then, we take action by making intentional adjustments to our routines and habits in order to achieve those goals. And finally, we evaluate the changes we made against the outcomes we seek and reflect on the meaning of our efforts. This process of discernment loops until we experience a consequence that fulfills our quest for meaning and resolves the initial tension.
Somewhere in this process, typically at the reflection stage, aha! We have found the final piece that makes all the pieces make sense. We know we have reached self actualization through some version of, “I had to go through ____, to become someone that ___.” Insert airhorn, fire, and confetti emojis. Let the gratitude rains flow.
Problem
As we mature, this discernment process gets more complicated. Our circumstances become more rigid, our conditions more challenging to evolve, and the variables in our control require more time to reveal meaningful outcomes. The increase in time demanded to discern meaning exposes us to weariness, increasing the risk of time spent contemplating rationales to opt out and settle.
Organization -
Reality: It’s hard to make adjustments to goals when we don’t first achieve them.
Doubt: “I know this (person, place or thing) isn’t good for me, but maybe this time will be different.”
Intention -
Reality: It’s hard to be consistent, diligent, and disciplined.
Doubt: “Is this (effort) really worth it? At least I know I can deal with the previous routines.”
Reflection -
Reality: It’s hard to know if you’re improving or growing.
Doubt: “This (journey) isn’t what I thought it was going to be, and I don’t know if I’m getting any closer to my goal. Maybe the goal isn’t for me.”
The truth that makes this process of self-actualization so hard is that it’s easier to accept circumstances than it is to evolve out of them. But s̶e̶l̶f̶-̶s̶a̶b̶o̶t̶a̶g̶e̶ unresolved tension typically finds a way to lash out in other areas in life, and left unresolved get passed on to the next generation.
When I look around at how this problem persists, what irritates me is how culture projects some ultimate form of happiness derived from being the “Self-Made Man” or the “Natural Woman”. It suppresses feelings of hardship and makes us lose sight of the fact that a real tangible outcome of this process is discovering new roles to play. And the only way individuals can be more informed about those potential roles is by consulting with the people who can provide perspective on how we are handling current ones. So, these are the adjustments that I have made, and recommend, to involve more people in the process of discernment:
For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. Romans 14:7 NIV
Instead of spiraling in the challenges at each level by myself, I have found ways to incorporate people I can talk to about those challenges. When I’m thinking about making adjustments to my goals, I call on my parents, brother, and a couple of unique friends to keep me humble and honest. When I set tracks for new intentions, I reach out to like-minded friends who might exercise new habits alongside me. And when I’m evaluating outcomes, I have amazing friends that have the compassion to ask the questions that keep me from getting stuck in feeling ashamed for not reaching my goals. Here’s the cliché part that made this possible for me: I made these adjustments by loving myself enough to ask for help. And I guess I have to admit, it’s made me happier with who I am whie pursuing who I am becoming.
Solution
People cannot give us moments of astonishment, but they can speak to the moments that make us pause and make the journey of becoming much more meaningful. Resist the urge to isolate yourself in times of unhappiness and uncertainty about who you are becoming. People substantiate the roles we play in life — the ones we’re playing and the ones we’re pursuing. Talk about your feelings with people you trust — people who know your circumstances and your character, people who can correct or support the meaning you have attached to your emotions. They have seen the roles you have played and the ones you are capable of. Or, as one of my great accountability buddy’s has said:
Figure out the times, the places, the people you’re around when you feel like you can be most vulnerable version of yourself. Continue to be around those people, to note those times, to recreate those experiences. Be who you really are. In doing so, you will attract the people who love you for who you really are. — Allen Dawson
Faith
“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22–23 NIV
To my fellow kingdom builders —
Paster Robert Madu of Social Dallas taught me about Becoming. He explained it as the process of us growing and bearing the fruit of the spirit to eventually serve others. It was then I understood that God gives us blessings when we are prepared to share the fruits of our labor with other people; shine our light in darkness; and expand His kingdom of peace, joy and righteousness in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17).
Unfortunately, I know all too well a common problem I see among Christians — paralyzed by circumstances and shouting at God “If you would just ____, then I could ____.” I hope the graphic above can serve you in the instances you may be fooling yourself into this self-sabotage. Can you ask for a “dream home” if you can’t take care of your room? You always can, but a blessing too soon is a curse. Remember, Naaman had to dip in the Jordan River 7 times for his leprosy to be healed. It didn’t happen progressively. It happened suddenly after Naaman obeyed. Depending on the assignment, you have to do the 50%, 75%, 95% before He will bless you with a miracle that will assure that you experience the full love that is intended for you beyond your present circumstances. After accepting Grace, the only evidence you have that you are ready to receive more blessings is through obedience — and it’s through that obedience we get to know Him better, like Naaman did.
Again, I encourage you to embrace fellowship to avoid thoughts of doubt and disbelief. For it is written, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24–25 NIV) Show me someone who is capable of consistently achieving their visions by themselves, and I’ll show you someone whose visions don’t come from God.
Have Faith in His timing.
Have Faith that you are worthy of the vision He has shared with you.
Have Faith in fellowship.
All the while, keep your visions in ink, your plans in pencil, your outcomes in prayer, and don’t stop praising!
